Why Are We Still Blaming the Victim?

Kristen Houghton

Despite the success of the Me-Too movement and the feeling that now we can put the blame squarely on the perpetrator where it belongs, placing blame on the victim is still the standard for too many people.

I was the treasurer and board member of an organization called Project Literacy of Greater Bergen County. I have never considered myself a victim of anything but I became one in an incident involving this non-profit organization and by a man named Christopher Stout who was an employee there.

As co-chair of an events planning committee I was instrumental in creating a Kentucky Derby event at the Meadowlands Racetrack in New Jersey. I made numerous phone calls, did the legwork, planning, and put in a lot of work hours for free.

Nothing that I did seemed to please Christopher Stout however and when I refused his invitation to lunch, due to a professional commitment on my part, he became belligerent and difficult, sending me emails that were rude and uncalled for. His temper and tendency to violent rhetoric over a check issue mistake made by a bank clerk but which he immediately blamed on me, made me want to avoid being with him. (He later had to apologize to me and the board members for his wrong accusation. He personally called me seven times over a two-day period asking for my forgiveness.)

One day I had to go to his office to pick up some materials for the organization. We were alone in his office. Suddenly he says to me that his wife fell. “But she’ll be okay. She fell on her ass.” Now that word, though a bit crude, is not necessarily bad but it was the way he said it. He drew out the word with a hissing sound for the ‘s’ and looked at me strangely. That look was disconcerting and I felt uncomfortable but said nothing and left quickly. I let it go but, in hindsight of was to occur at the Kentucky Derby event, I should have told the other board members.

The day of the Kentucky Derby event he asked me to carry some heavy posters upstairs for him. I said no as I had a wrist injury. “No?” he said angrily. His anger flared. He was furious. Inside the venue he accosted me about the posters and began a violent tirade using the words “slut, whore”, and telling me that I am “full of shit.” He came towards me in a threatening manner as if he wanted to hit me. This was in full view of people in the hall who were shocked by his violent outburst.

I told board members who were present about what had happened. They saw and heard some of it. I was assured that it would be dealt with and that he would be fired. A day later I wrote an email describing the tirade and sent it to the entire board. Again, I was told that it would be dealt with.

It never was.

The board, led by three women, called a meeting and I was told that I would receive a disciplinary letter concerning my problem in not getting along with Chris. I again told them word for word what he said as well as my uncomfortable feeling around him and it was obvious that they blamed me for his “wrongful words and actions.”

I said that if this had been a corporation, he would be out of a job. One of the members said, “Well, we can’t discount the good he has done because of one incident. It’s just one incident.”

The bottom line is that I resigned from the non-profit rather than stay on with a group who had no problem blaming the victim and rewarding the perpetrator. The vulgarity, the real feeling that he would strike me, meant nothing to them at all.

I found out that someone from another party being held the same day as the Kentucky Derby event had complained about his behavior and a decision by the CEO of the Meadowlands was made to banned Christopher Stout from attending any future events. A member of the board met with the CEO and somehow convinced him to overturn the ban, stating, “You know how women are.”

I and hundreds of other females know how women are. It’s been proven that 99% of sexist and sexual accusations made by women are absolutely correct. The vast majority of women don’t lie about something as serious as that.

I never thought that anyone, especially other women, would so blatantly champion the abuser over the abused. Shocked and disheartened over this but determined to join the fight against harassment against women, I will find an organization worthy of my talents and dedication.

It is well past time that we put the blame on the person who deserves it and not on the victim. Let’s start today.

© copyright 2022 Kristen Houghton all rights reserved